Six Reasons Why You Don’t Have a Girlfriend

 

1. You’re focusing too much on yourself

If you’re single and asking “what’s wrong with me?” – your focus is all wrong. I see guys put all their energy into focusing on their own bodies or resumés in an effort to appear more attractive based on some perverted logic they’ve internalised from our messed up image obsessed culture. But seriously, I’ve never once dated a guy because I was super into his forearms or because he worked in finance. And if a woman is only interested in you for those reasons – then she’s not interested in who you actually are beyond how she can represent you to her friends and family. That style of relationship is going to feel really shit really quickly, because it’s inauthentic.

Think about it – you notice people because they take an interest in you, listen when you speak and ask questions about your life. It’s a mutual exchange, but that’s how you actually start forming connections. So step one – stop worrying about yourself, start thinking how you can add value to her life.

2. The only time you meet women is when you’re drunk

Eh, everyone just kind of sucks when they’re drunk. You and your mates may get up to some absolute antics on your night’s out, but you know the funny thing about wearing a traffic cone on your head and walking home across the Harbour Bridge at 4am? Literally only your social group finds it funny. And that’s a beautiful thing. But in front of women who don’t have the advantage of knowing the complex, emotionally deep, sexually in control being you really are – you’re just another guy squirting lemon juice into his eye at the bar.

3. You haven’t actually asked her out

I have smart, funny, attractive guy friends who say their worst fear is getting rejected. I understand. Exposing yourself to another person by saying “hey, you’re cool, let’s hang out… and I don’t mean in a platonic way” can be scary because you have to show another person you have actual feelings which is counter to the aloof vibes you’ve worked so hard to cultivate.

But statistically, you’re more likely to go out with a girl if you actually ask her out. If she says no, it’s usually not personal. Be gracious and move on.

4. You’re waiting for the perfect girl

Breaking: she doesn’t exist. There’s no such a thing as a ‘perfect’ woman (excluding Rachel McAdams and Amy Schumer, if you’re reading, please ignore the previous statement). If you’re waiting for an idealised manifestation of your next partner to stumble into your life, prepare to die alone.

Everyone has good qualities, so focus on those. Don’t focus on what a person can’t give you. Just by incorporating this one simple Jedi Mind trick into your life, you will greatly increase the number of women you’re compatible with.

5. You’re not offering anything

The basis of many a human relationship is fundamentally transactional. Women want to spend time with guys because they get something out of it. And I don’t mean retrograde notions of offering women financial help, although generosity may mean material generosity from time to time. No – the top things a guy can offer women are kindness, their intelligence and their time. Also sexual chemistry. Also making us laugh. Also telling us we’re pretty when we’re feeling shit. See? We’re really not asking for much.

6. You have a bunch of insecurities that you haven’t dealt with

If you’re insecure about your micro penis or the fact you’re in a ton of debt, you need to deal with this now. As long as you’re honest and upfront about the fact you’re a vegan or whatever it is some people might see as a dealbreaker, the right person won’t care.

Feeling like you’re ‘less than’ is particularly prevalent in a culture that emphasises an idea men have to be Richard Branson levels of successful with the body of an extra from Magic Mike. Guess what? You’re enough just as you are. Striving for self-improvement is worthwhile, but work out what you actually can change, and make peace with what you can’t. There’s nothing more appealing than a person who’s comfortable with who they are and isn’t trying to be something they’re not.

Original Article appears on GQ.com